The Five Stages of a Gridlock Marriage
We were both on the outside in fact. Each of us thought we were the better of the relationship.
Each of us thought we had the high ground.
Each of us was wrong.
Our shared expectations put us in conflict with one another. In his book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman lays out the stages that a relationship may go through once a couple experiences gridlock:
According to Dr. John Gottman, getting trapped in gridlock often twists your conflict, and couples find themselves going through the following five stages:
Stage 1: Dreams stand in opposition—So, in our case,
I wanted a protector
&
He wanted a partner
Stage 2: Entrenchment of opposing positions. Neither one of us could shake our own view of how life was going to be.
I was always going to be that little girl who was abused.
&
He didn’t understand how I couldn’t just get over it
Stage 3: Increased fears of accepting influence from your partner. In a sense, we couldn’t get out of each other’s way. We just kept hurting one another.
I saw him as just someone else who wanted to take advantage of me.
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He felt like I rejected him over and over again
Stage 4: Vilification (Contempt). We ended up judging one another harshly.
I saw him as a threat to my safety.
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He saw me as weak and cruel. I was willing to put our marriage at stake, so long as I could cling to my victim mentality.
Stage 5: Emotional disengagement from each other. We simply could not connect with one another emotionally.
Without drawing closer to me emotionally, he began researching my background by himself.
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I saw him making the effort, which lowered emotional walls for me